THE TALK
As a Hispanic male of olive complexion, or some would describe me as having brown or tan skin, I decided to write an article on "the talk," that I hear people of color should have with their children, but in particular with their young boys. From my research, "the talk," seems to be a rite of passage for many African-American children where parents inform their children on how to handle racial discrimination from the police. Before I delve into this topic, I want to make a few disclaimers. My writings are my opinions. I am not attempting to play down the concerns and fears that minority groups have. I am not attempting to change anyone's mind or opinion. I enjoy writing about life topics to spark creative thinking. If my writings can help individuals in anyway, that would be all worth while. As a lover of life and people, I will always hope that my articles can be beneficial. Moreover, when I speak about parenting issues, I come from a perspective of a parent who has 6 children. But nevertheless, I am not saying that I am the parental expert. My parenting style is just that, my style. It is what works for my family and I. I believe that all parents are experts with what works for their family. So, now that I've expressed a few caveats let's look into "the talk."
I believe that "the talk," is deeper than we are led to believe. I also think that "the talk," may be causing unintended damage to a child. By having this talk with your child, I believe you are creating a sense of fear and helplessness just because of the color of their skin. It appears to me that what this talk can do is create in a very young mind a belief that they have no control over their lives. What if the talk was about how special and beautiful they are? What if the talk was about their unlimited potential in their lives? What if the talk was about how they can control their own life and be whatever they wanted to be? What if the talk was about respecting others regardless whether it is a police officer, teacher, librarian, other adults, colleagues, playmates etc.. I truly understand that encounters with police for a black person are different than with whites. I have first hand knowledge because I was a police officer prior to my current profession as an attorney. Even in my current profession, I have represented numerous minorities who have had a negative experience with the police. I believe it will take some time but we can fix this. If the talk would be one of respect, even if the police are being disrespectful, I bet you the majority of the encounters would be positive. The problem as I see it is a catch 22. Minority children are taught from early on to distrust the police and the police are suspicious of encounters with minorities because of the aforementioned. No one seems to be listening to each other.
We can only control our behavior. We will never be able to control someone else's behavior. So why not start with controlling how we react to others? I know that most, if not all parents mean well by having this talk with their children. But, maybe we need to reconsider the content of the talk. Maybe the talk should be a positive talk as opposed to a fear based negative talk. Maybe we should talk to our children about success and potential as opposed to fearing the police. What is wrong with teaching your children never to fight with the police or, run from the police. That is what I advised my boys when they were young. I have even told them that even if they are doing something that is wrong, never run or fight the police. That is why we have courts. To settle disputes! Please believe me when I say I have first hand experience with this topic. One of my sons has had numerous encounters with the police because of bad choices that he has made. Luckily, he has never run or fought the police and, ultimately things were resolved in court. And, he's alive! I had a stressful encounter once, when I lived in an affluent neighborhood with the police. It was a fall evening and I was out for a jog wearing a hooded sweat-shirt. I was stopped in my tracks on the sidewalk by a police cruiser that literally drove onto the sidewalk in front of my path to stop me. The officer got out and asked me for identification. I did not have any because I was out jogging. Plus, who carries a wallet while jogging in their neighborhood? I explained that to the officer and informed him where I lived which was a few blocks away from where I was stopped. I asked him, why I was stopped and he told me to shut up. Knowing that this was an odd encounter that can get out of hand, I asked him to please have his supervisor respond and simultaneously another cruiser showed up with a sergeant. I then asked the sergeant why was I stopped and he bluntly stated, "shut the fuck up!" I then let the cat out of the bag and told them I was an attorney and I wanted to know what was going on and to my surprise their whole attitude changed. I was told that someone that matched my description was breaking into cars. I was released immediately. Being the ex-cop that I was and current attorney, I went to the police station the next day to review the public record about calls the previous evening about car break-ins where I was stopped and I did not find any calls resembling what I was told. My point with the aforementioned is that things could have ended up drastically different for me if I would have decided to fight the police or run. But instead I complied with their demands although, I knew I had done nothing wrong. I was also left with a pondering question about what would have happened to me if I wasn't an attorney because I believe that when I mentioned that fact, things changed immediately for the better.
Moreover, I sincerely do not believe that a police officer puts on his uniform and goes to work with the intention of killing a black person or any person. In fact, I think every police officer goes to work understanding the perils of the job and the possibility that they can be killed. But, they still go on patrol to serve and protect. Are there bad cops? Sure there are. Just like there are bad lawyers and bad doctors. We as a society need to root them out and make them accountable for their actions. But to paint all police with a broad brush insinuating they are all racist, is not just wrong but I believe it is contributing to the violence that is so common today. When you have a star athlete like Lebron James make a public statement after a police shooting saying, as he is referring to the police officer involved, "... or maybe he just left the house saying that, today is going to be the end for one of these black people." He also said in a recent post game interview, when referring to police that "black people feel hunted by law enforcement." To me these are despicable and irresponsible statements from a basketball icon with a huge fan base which do not help the black community. In closing, I believe that parents should have a talk with their children that is geared towards love, respect and accountability.
Just a thought.
I believe that "the talk," is deeper than we are led to believe. I also think that "the talk," may be causing unintended damage to a child. By having this talk with your child, I believe you are creating a sense of fear and helplessness just because of the color of their skin. It appears to me that what this talk can do is create in a very young mind a belief that they have no control over their lives. What if the talk was about how special and beautiful they are? What if the talk was about their unlimited potential in their lives? What if the talk was about how they can control their own life and be whatever they wanted to be? What if the talk was about respecting others regardless whether it is a police officer, teacher, librarian, other adults, colleagues, playmates etc.. I truly understand that encounters with police for a black person are different than with whites. I have first hand knowledge because I was a police officer prior to my current profession as an attorney. Even in my current profession, I have represented numerous minorities who have had a negative experience with the police. I believe it will take some time but we can fix this. If the talk would be one of respect, even if the police are being disrespectful, I bet you the majority of the encounters would be positive. The problem as I see it is a catch 22. Minority children are taught from early on to distrust the police and the police are suspicious of encounters with minorities because of the aforementioned. No one seems to be listening to each other.
We can only control our behavior. We will never be able to control someone else's behavior. So why not start with controlling how we react to others? I know that most, if not all parents mean well by having this talk with their children. But, maybe we need to reconsider the content of the talk. Maybe the talk should be a positive talk as opposed to a fear based negative talk. Maybe we should talk to our children about success and potential as opposed to fearing the police. What is wrong with teaching your children never to fight with the police or, run from the police. That is what I advised my boys when they were young. I have even told them that even if they are doing something that is wrong, never run or fight the police. That is why we have courts. To settle disputes! Please believe me when I say I have first hand experience with this topic. One of my sons has had numerous encounters with the police because of bad choices that he has made. Luckily, he has never run or fought the police and, ultimately things were resolved in court. And, he's alive! I had a stressful encounter once, when I lived in an affluent neighborhood with the police. It was a fall evening and I was out for a jog wearing a hooded sweat-shirt. I was stopped in my tracks on the sidewalk by a police cruiser that literally drove onto the sidewalk in front of my path to stop me. The officer got out and asked me for identification. I did not have any because I was out jogging. Plus, who carries a wallet while jogging in their neighborhood? I explained that to the officer and informed him where I lived which was a few blocks away from where I was stopped. I asked him, why I was stopped and he told me to shut up. Knowing that this was an odd encounter that can get out of hand, I asked him to please have his supervisor respond and simultaneously another cruiser showed up with a sergeant. I then asked the sergeant why was I stopped and he bluntly stated, "shut the fuck up!" I then let the cat out of the bag and told them I was an attorney and I wanted to know what was going on and to my surprise their whole attitude changed. I was told that someone that matched my description was breaking into cars. I was released immediately. Being the ex-cop that I was and current attorney, I went to the police station the next day to review the public record about calls the previous evening about car break-ins where I was stopped and I did not find any calls resembling what I was told. My point with the aforementioned is that things could have ended up drastically different for me if I would have decided to fight the police or run. But instead I complied with their demands although, I knew I had done nothing wrong. I was also left with a pondering question about what would have happened to me if I wasn't an attorney because I believe that when I mentioned that fact, things changed immediately for the better.
Moreover, I sincerely do not believe that a police officer puts on his uniform and goes to work with the intention of killing a black person or any person. In fact, I think every police officer goes to work understanding the perils of the job and the possibility that they can be killed. But, they still go on patrol to serve and protect. Are there bad cops? Sure there are. Just like there are bad lawyers and bad doctors. We as a society need to root them out and make them accountable for their actions. But to paint all police with a broad brush insinuating they are all racist, is not just wrong but I believe it is contributing to the violence that is so common today. When you have a star athlete like Lebron James make a public statement after a police shooting saying, as he is referring to the police officer involved, "... or maybe he just left the house saying that, today is going to be the end for one of these black people." He also said in a recent post game interview, when referring to police that "black people feel hunted by law enforcement." To me these are despicable and irresponsible statements from a basketball icon with a huge fan base which do not help the black community. In closing, I believe that parents should have a talk with their children that is geared towards love, respect and accountability.
Just a thought.